Blue butterflies and purple dots
by RedHeadZebra
Summary: This is connected to my gravitation story monsters you DON'T have to read one first. Misaki gets her world shaken up when she gets a letter from someone she doesn't want to hear from in the first place what happens if Aki isn't there to help? Genderbent T for self harm
1. Chapter 1

This is my first junjou romantica fanfic it is also connected to my gravitation fic called Monsters YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT. It is just a simple connection. Please no flames but feed back is extremely appreciated. Please go check out mitzia she is my awesome beta I couldn't do without her. (ps my first chapter is always short but the next couple will be longer)

"Misaki-kun! I got you some more pastries!"

I turned to see Eiri Aikawa, Usagi-san's editor, at the door way with a box in hand.

"Thank you, Aikawa." I give him a warm smile and take the box gratefully.

I'm starting to wonder what's gotten him into such a great mood since Usagi-san is two weeks late with her manuscript again. With perfect timing, Usagi-san came down the stairs nonchalantly.

"Usami-sensei! Where the fuck is your manuscript?!"

Oh, there goes the angel hello shrieky PMS demon Aikawa we all know and love.

"It's on the coffee table. If you opened your damn eyes, you would see it," Usagi-san snapped at him but Aikawa didn't seem to mind. I busied myself with making tea for the two of them while they did their work.

"Misaki, I just got notice that I have to leave for a week long trip and you got some mail."

Jeez, I really wish they would tell us sooner. It would be nice to know if my lo-roomate, yeah my roommate, is leaving for a week or not.

"Okay. Where are you staying?"

"Osaka. I'm working with a producer to get my book into movie, getting interviewed, and I have to go to a stupid award party again. I would ask you to come with us, but I know you have finals and a mandatory meeting later, so I'm not bothering to ask."

"Alright. I hope you have a good time."

I finished the tea and gave it to both of them and rushed upstairs to grab what me and Aikawa call the "Safety bag". It's filled with Tampons, midol, a huge bag of chocolate, a shirt that smells like me, sour cream and onion chips (Usagi-san's favorite period food), and a big bottle of whisky for Aikawa, knowing he will need it.

The door creaked open to our, I mean, Usagi-san's room and I see Usagi grabbing her prepacked suitcase and walking towards me in her usual attire - a black pencil skirt, a light blue button down shirt, and a purple vest showing off her full C-cup breasts and a little more than average sized hips.

Wait, hold up.

Why the hell am I thinking these things?

"Misaki, what are you thinking?" she purred seductively.

"Nothing, you perverted baka!"

"Don't worry, once I get back, I'll ravish you and get my refill of Misaki."

"Don't say such weird things!"

She shut me up with a passionate kiss, her lips moving against mine, her tongue searching every crevice in my mouth. A few seconds later, she pulled away, looking at me lustufully.

"I've got to go, love."

"Uh, have a great trip." I pass over the safety bag and she thanked me and left.

I sign inwardly as I descend down stairs. A whole week alone, it's bittersweet I guess.

I remember Usagi-san saying something about some mail. I go over to the desk in the hall where we put our keys, mail, and some miscellaneous objects. I pick up the letters and read them one by one. When I read the last one, I swear my heart stopped at the first sentence.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys I forgot to mention this is not following the third season. Thank you for the follow I got. Please let the feedback roll in it really helps me out. Go check out my super awesome Beta Mitzia

 _"Hey, bitch. I found you."_

My hear stopped, dropped, and rolled. I knew exactly who this was.

Yuri Beilschmidt, a half-Japanese, half-German transfer student.

 _"Remember me, Misa-chan? Well, I remember you. You're going to pay for what you have done to me._

 _Lots and lots of love,_

 _Yuri_

 _P.S. Meet me at the park at eight o'clock or it gets worse."_

I'm shaking out of complete fear.

Not her again.

Not again.

 _"Hey, you worthless little shit! It's your fault your parents are fucking dead!"_

 _She pushed me again, the wall slapping me repeatedly because of something I have done._

 _"You're the worst girlfriend ever! You can't do anything right!"_

 _She grabs my face forcefully, making me stare at her blue based hazel eyes that are just so mesmerizing._

 _"Or are you? You can do something for me. It would make me really, really happy if you did." Yuri's voice quieted down from her shriek to a softer one and a more seductive one also, but of course, I was oblivious to it._

 _"N-Nani?"_

 _She takes her free hand and creeps slowly up from my knee to my skirt, to my hip bone and then we hear a a door open and close down the hall from her room. She pushes me into the connected bathroom, saying something like her dad is home and to take a shower._

 _It stung a lot for me to have the first person I trust to just abuse me like this._

 _No, for someone to finally tell me the truth._

 _I cry throughout my whole shower until I'm numb._

 _I'm numb throughout my whole stay at her house, making small talk with her parents._

 _Yuri is completely different in front of them, smiling sweetly and tucking her long blonde hair behind her ears. It's sickening._

 _After dinner, her parents say to walk her friend (being completely oblivious to the fact their daughter is one of the dykeist dykes ever) to the door._

 _"What would make you happy, Yuri-san?" She smiled wickedly at me._

 _"I'd be happy if you killed yourself."_

 _Then, I got the door closed in my face, crying the whole way home._

 _Should I really? I mean I'm worthless and it would make her happy._

 _It stayed with me for weeks. I avoided her at school. She would put death threats in my locker until one day when walking home, I decided to jump._

 _I found a bridge and I was standing on top of the ledge when I heard my sister's voice yelling at me and I remember crying. I started to see a therapist and I switched schools. All I said was I was getting bullied horribly but wouldn't name any names. I've been on anti-depressants ever since and I've been fine, so Nee-chan has pretty much left me alone about it and Usagi-san knows I take them but doesn't know why I'm so depressed besides my parents death._

I haven't heard from Yuri until today and it's fucking terrifying.

My breathing became erratic, the room is spinning.

I can't breath.

I'm drowning.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Calm down, Misaki. It's just a panic attack.

The part I hate the most is the feeling of daggers going through my stomach. It could have been hours, minutes, or days until I finally calmed down. The room stopped spinning and my breathing evened out. I get panic attacks every so often. I've always managed to cover them up without Usagi-san noticing, but I have never had one so bad before.

I stand up, my stomach still...I don't know how to put it; achy, disrupted, sour? There is no real way to word this for anyone to understand.

Buzz! Buzz!

"Moshi moshi," I say into my cellphone, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Hey therree, Mi-sa-ki-kun! Haha!" Wow, he is already wasted. Usagi-san must be really pissy.

"What's going on, Aikawa?"

"Usami-sensei is being a biitch!"

"What did she do?

"I don't knoow! Hahaha!" His low voice bellowing into my ear voice is not what I need right now. "I got a call from my hot as hell girlfriend today. I miss her." I thought he was gay. Well, that's new. I hear some sobbing and then he hangs up. I don't know about him most of the time.

My thoughts go back to my ex, Yuri. I didn't do what she wanted but why does she hate me so much? I don't get it.

 _"Misa-chan, why does everyone hate me so much?" I turned my head to the pretty girl sitting next to me, seeing her crying._

 _"Because they are jealous of you, Yuri-chan." I gave her a kind smile that always calmed her down._

 _"You're a fucking liar, you stupid bitch! I hate you! You know I hate liars!"_

 _She just snapped, hitting me and screeching at me. Then, she stopped. It was like the calm before the storm. Yuri just fell on top of me, sobbing uncontrollably._

 _"You will never find someone who loves you as much as me. Say you love me?" I couldn't tell if it was a question or command but I stayed silent. "Say it, goddammit!"_

 _"I-I love you, Y-Yuri."_

 _At that moment, I promised never to fall in love. Well, we saw how long that lasted._

Wait, what am I saying? God, stress will make you think some dumb shit.

I woke up and saw my alarm clock read 6:25; five minutes before I have to get up. I got up anyway. I did the rest of my tasks robotically - skipping breakfast, going to the meeting, studying, going to one class, skipping lunch, coming home, anxiety attack, and a call from Usagi-san.

"Hey, Misaki. How is everything going?"

"Really good. The meeting was hectic, really hectic. We got nothing done." I'm kind of proud of myself for lying so well.

"Misaki, love, are you alright? You don't sound alright."

Well, I guess I was wrong.

"Uh, yeah. I guess I'm just a little worn out. Don't worry, haha."

"Misaki, did you forget your meds?"

"Oh shit, you're right. Haha, that's it." Thank you, Usagi-san, for giving me a cover up.

"Oh, you should go take them."

"Yeah. Hey, Usagi-san?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I hung up the phone.

I did it. I said my feelings.

I get up and walk into the bathroom and look at my reflection. Dark circles cover my eyes, my fair skin looking lifeless, my long straight brown hair flowing down near my belly button. I'm wearing a green sweater and some jeggings (Usagi hates it when I wear them in public) and some black high tops. I redo my make up, relining my eyes slightly and a touch of clear lip gloss. Very modest.

I flip open my phone and see the time is 7:30. It takes about fifteen minutes to get there, so if I leave now, I will get there a couple minutes early. So, I do walk out of the penthouse, down the elevator, and to a nature-filled park a few blocks away.

I knew where Yuri-san was referring to in the note. It's terrifying to know I'm going to meet her right now. I don't know what she is capable of and I don't really want to know. I made it to the park at 7:55 without a scratch.

Let's see if that's how I leave.

"Misa-chan!"

I froze.

~Usagi POV~

I'm excited to tell her the news. I get to come home early! So, I call Misaki.

"Hey Misaki, how is everything going?"

"Really good. The meeting was hectic, really hectic. We got nothing done." Her voice sounded kinda shaky and nervous.

"Misaki, love, are you alright? You don't sound alright."

"Uh, yeah, I guess. I'm just a little worn out. Don't worry, haha." I'm not buying it. The only thought that could make sense is she forgot her meds. It has happened a couple times.

"Misaki, did you forget your meds?"

"Oh shit, you're right. Haha, that's it."

"Oh, you should go take them."

"Yeah. Hey, Usagi-san?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Then, pure silence. She hung up.

I know something is up now. I decided not to call back, knowing her face is an adorable shade of red.

Hey, control yourself, Aki.

Since I'm heading home early, it will just be a surprise for her then. But, I do know something is wrong and I will get to the bottom of it.


	3. Chapter 3

Guess who is 14 now!? So I'm happy about that and I'm sorry about this chapter it's not the best but it will certainly do. Big huge thank you to my beta Mitzia (she's the best) go check her out.

"Misa-chan!"

I froze, seeing my ex running towards me with a rainbow headband, a rainbow bracelet, rainbow choker, rainbow accessories, and a long sleeved v-neck shirt stating, "I'm a lesbian". I was not joking when I said she was a real dykey dyke (She may as well get a shirt with a super dyke emblem on it). She put her arms around me, holding me like an anaconda does with it's pray. (A/N: I swear to God, if I get any Nicki Minaj references, I will hunt you down and attack you with bunnies o.0)

"Wow, Misa-chan! You still don't have any boobs!" Yuri exclaimed. Her hair has gotten longer and she shaved half of it off.

"T-Thanks. Let's s-sit down."

I'm stuttering as we walk. Well, I did. She practically skipped and then we sat down on a bunch they keep in the park.

"We came here t-to talk, d-didn't we?"

"We did. You fucked up my life. All of it."

"How?"

"You're useless. Everyone made fun of me for going out with you."

"How is that my fault?"

"Because you left me!" She started crying and clutched onto my arm.

"You told me to kill myself!" I yelled back.

"Because you deserve it, you worthless hoe! Everything is your fault! You're a worthless, stupid waste of space and you left me! You fucking left me!" she cried harder.

"Yuri-chan?"

"I'm going to fucking kill you!"

She got up, flicked open a knife, straddled me, and held it to my throat in a instant. I didn't have a chance to react.

"I fucking hate you! I hate you! Why do I love you?! I fucking love you!" She held the knife closer to my throat as I try to hold her hands back. It's amazing she can scream like that and no one has come yet. "You fucking bitch! You deserve to die!"

Her grip on the knife and me loosened when she started sobbing harder, so I saw my opportunity. I threw her off of me and ran for it. There is a super huge advantage to having my small boobs compared to Yuri-Chan's bigger ones - running. I could outrun her any day.

So, I run and run, taking some different turns making sure I lost her, but hearing her scream the entire way until I can list her sayings, such as: "Go slit your wrist!", "Fuck you!", "You're a worthless cunt!"

I ran until I was way out of earshot. I stopped and took a few breaths. In and out.

Then, I walked the rest of the way home feeling, lifeless to the point that if this was a movie, they could resurrect a zombie that could take my place and no one would notice.

Her words were running in my head as loud as a bullhorn. Am I really worthless? I certainly feel like it. I mean I'm nothing special to look at at all. Maybe I need someone else's opinion. I feel so numb like nothing else could ever hurt me again.

Damn, I really need some tea. I made it to our condo but stopped at the cafe on the ground floor. I placed my order for some green tea (we ran out at the house and it helps me sleep, so I drink it every night).

I notice a man with light brown hair cut sharply. So, I grab my and sit across from him.

"Hi. I noticed you looked lonely so I thought I would sit with you." I smiled sweetly at him.

"I don't want anything to do with a flat chested girl like you," he snapped at me.

"I just-"

"Can it, you worthless bitch." He leaned in whispering in my ear, "Or I will fucking rape you. I'm not in a fucking good mood."

I jump up and briskly walk away and out of the cafe, my tea left untouched. As I'm practically running away, a man stopped me by walking in front of me. He looked a lot like the first guy but his hair is darker and spiked up.

"Sorry, ma'am. Whatever he said, he really doesn't mean it. His girlfriend dumped him hardcore and he has been in a horrible mood."

Well, that does'nt fix the fact he threatened to rape me.

"It's fine, really." I give him a fake smile and run off.

I make it to the condo and I let everything sink in.

"You're nothing."

"Just worthless."

"You have nothing to offer."

"Everything is your fault."

"You fucked everything up."

"You're better off dead."

I sink to the floor, sobbing as I finally told myself the cold hard truth. My body shakes as I hold everything back, trying not to cry too loud. I feel warm tears oozing out of my eyes. There has to be something I can do to help this.

I feel my phone in my pocket and flip it open, seeing it is midnight. There is no way in hell I'm falling asleep tonight, so I crawl my way over to the couch, finding my school bag on the table. I grab my laptop (which had a bunch of music on it), open it, and plug my ear buds in. I put my music on shuffle and open a internet browser.

"My anaconda don't.

My anaconda don't."

Oh fuck no. I'll skip you any day, Nicki. Why do I even have her on my laptop?

"You've been running for so long, still breathing.

Hoping soon to find a song worth singing.

Every chapter of this note, they're reading

But you slowly losing hope on bleeding.

I'll carry you, my darkest desire.

When life sings for you through the devil's choir.

Fear won't steal what burns in you.

I'll carry you and wait for the fire.

My desire, devil's choir.

My desire, devil's choir.

Raise another broken glass to failure.

A simple promise of a crimson savior.

Take a look into the life you're leaving.

I promise you this isn't pain you're feeling.

I'll carry you, my darkest desire.

When life sings for you through the devil's choir.

Fear won't steal what burns in you.

I'll carry you and wait for the fire.

I'll carry you, my darkest desire

When life sings for you through the devil's choir.

Fear won't steal what burns in you.

I'll carry you and wait for the fire.

My desire, devil's choir.

My desire, devil's choir.

I'll carry you and wait for the fire.

My desire, devil's choir.

My desire, devil's choir.

My desire, devil's choir.

My desire, devil's choir."

This is usually when people have a clicking moment in life like "Oh, this is what I should do in life", but I didn't click yet. That one word "bleeding" kept on repeating in my head.

Wait, why do I have this song on my laptop anyway? Oh well, I will worry about it later.

I go back to the internet browser, thinking about what should I search. I'm not in the mood for a bunch of happy-go-lucky things, so I need something more mellow and sad.

Depression?

I have it; I may as well Google it. I have never done any research about it. I may as well do it.

I type "Depression" into the box and click enter. At the top of the list, I see the Google images seeing pictures for depression. That can't be normal. I click on the see more button and I'm shocked.

I see a bunch of pictures talking about cutting. It doesn't make any sense. What does it have do with depression?

After reading some of those quotes, I learned cutting will help me. It will help with this pain I feel.

I found it.

I found the click.

Bleed for release.

I run upstairs, going into my (unused) room, going into a couple drawers, looking for a box cutter. (Nee-san sends a lot of gifts, so I have one in my room.) I calmly grab some clothes and walk out of my room into the bathroom. I pick up the first aid case, taking out bandages, hydrogen peroxide, and a hand cloth, getting ready for this. I take off all my clothes and sit on the edge of the tub.

I can do this.

I take the box cutter and place it on my wrist, practically in my palm. It didn't move, didn't cut; just sat there on my wrist.

Will this really help?

Well, there is no way of knowing, so may as well try it.

One.

Two.

Three.

I push the blade in and move it in semi-deeply then downward slightly to make it diagonal. I wince at the pain but it still felt so good, so I did a few more. It's like everything bad is going away, like I have nothing to be afraid of anymore. I didn't go too deep but just enough to release a little bit.

I'm done so I get into the shower, numb throughout the whole thing. Once I'm done, I hop out, noticing my arm stopped bleeding, I take some bandages and use them to patch up my arm after cleaning my wounds. I get dressed and cleaned the box cutter. I left the bathroom and planned on cleaning it tomorrow. I got in my bed and I can swear the second my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep.

The song is Devils Choir by black veil brides I don't own anything but my soul and all the bunnies I have to stock up on if any of y'all decide to make some Manij references o.0 wait... I made a Nikki manij reference do I have to attack myself with bunnies?


End file.
